A selection of anal music
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea. How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? Hold out a check (but don`t be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred). How do you tell if a bass is dead? In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred? The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff. How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They`re so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins. What is the difference between the men`s final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance? The tennis final has more men. How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance? The performance causes more suffering. Why do high school choruses travel so often? What`s the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage. What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee? It`s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans. What`s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range. What`s the least-used sentence in the English language? What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? There`s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it`s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don`t forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string." What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. Both suck when you plug them in. How do you make a bass player turn down the volume? Put a chart in front of him. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None--they just steal somebody else`s light. What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. What`s the best thing to play on a guitar? How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand. Don`t bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice. One, but the guitarist has to show him first. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source? Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? What`s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean? What`s a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire. What`s a accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map. What do you call a group of topless female accordian players? Play an accordian--go to jail! Three rows and you`re out! Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It`s something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal. How long does it take to tune a chang? Why is it so difficult to tune a chang? So that violist can feel superior about something. Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it`s as good as it`s going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise. What`s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer. How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? What does it say on a blues singer`s tombstone? What`s the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out. How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? None. Jazz musicians can`t afford light bulbs. "Don`t worry about the changes. We`ll fake it!" How do you turn a duck into a soul artist? Put it in the oven until its (it`s) Bill Withers. Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It`s a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What`s a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano." Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn`t like that either. Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician. Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can`t do both. A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." What`s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? Why are conductor`s hearts so coveted for transplants? They`ve had so little use. What`s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. What`s the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl`s footpads? Dr Scholl`s footpads buck up the feet. What`s the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? There are some things a pig just isn`t willing to do. What is the ideal weight for a conductor? Why is a conductor like a condom? What`s the difference between God and a conductor? God knows He`s not a conductor. What`s the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat. What`s the difference between alto clef and Greek? Some conductors actually read Greek. What do do with a horn player that can`t play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can`t do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. What`s the difference between an opera conductor and a baby? A baby sucks its fingers. A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I`m sorry,he`s dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don`t you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what`s God like as a conductor?" It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o`clock and the conductor hadn`t yet shown up. The theater`s manager was getting desperate, knowing that he`d have to refund everyone`s money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night`s concert. He still hadn`t found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let`s ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don`t know, I`ll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn`t stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn`t keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That`s it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can`t have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse`s rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won`t even know they have a new conductor!" Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn`t see you there." "Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way." A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?" So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You`re soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit." "Why, that`s right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" "Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path. The rabbit began to stroke the snake`s body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You`re cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!" A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one`s $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner`s entire Ring cycle. There`s another one in the back room for $30,000." "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him `Maestro`." "Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?" "Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?" A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?" A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he`s just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London. If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor`s goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.) Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It`s best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. Look the other way just before cues. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you`re about to quit. Let the conductor know you`re there as a personal favor. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth). Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don`t have the music. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. Tell the conductor, "I can`t find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you`ve conducted this piece?" When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you`ll never be able to play it. Don`t say anything: make him wonder. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway? Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo. What`s the first thing a musician says at work? What do you call a musician without a significant other? Why do musicians have to be awake by six o`clock? Because most shops close by six thirty. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? Continue to play gigs until the money ran out. What`s the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses` asses. The stages of a musician`s life: Get me someone who sounds like name. Get me a young name. There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn`t have any money either. A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It`s the least I could do, since I won`t be at the performance." Saint Peter is checking ID`s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn`t sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn`t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" A guy walks into the doctor`s office and says, "Doc, I haven`t had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn`t work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We`d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what`s going on. What do you do for a living?"
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