Daughter in the fathers sex bed
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Too many fathers have failed their daughters, whether because they were confused about their role, or just too busy, or - worst of all - not sufficiently interested. Things may have improved, but some of today`s dads are still just as much at fault. The daughters of these men carry a lack of fathering as a deep wound. In revenge, they`re rude and rebellious in their teenage years, often sleeping around, taking drugs or abusing alcohol. At the same time, the girls often blame themselves for the breakdown in the relationship, concluding: `If Dad`s too busy to have time for me, it must be that I`m boring and not worth it`. A father who is less than engaged can also affect his teenage daughter`s choice of boyfriends. As a substitute, she`ll often gravitate towards older men - with regrettable consequences. By definition, a much older boyfriend is more likely to be domineering, calling all the shots in the relationship. Considering that a girl aged between 14 and 18 is still forming her identity, there`s a strong chance that she`ll put all his needs first and actually look to him to define her. Poor fathering can even affect girls on a physical level. Although cases of early puberty - at seven or eight - are rare, it`s now known that it can be brought on by the stress of having a father who`s violent, suicidal, alcoholic or drug-dependent. A stressful divorce can also cause this, particularly if a girl`s parents split up when she`s between the ages of three and eight. Teenage girls are searching for their own identity and can get quickly irritated by their fathers, especially if he appears critical of her and unapproachable The best way to deal with her emotions is to listen and accept her point of view, communicate, rather than get defensive and therefore shut her out Bizarrely, too, early puberty can be brought on by having a stepfather. This is not because stepdads engender stress per se, but probably because an unrelated male in the home affects girls` hormones in ways we have yet to understand. Very early on, a girl decides whether her dad (or stepdad) is one of two things: a source of safety and protection, or a source of danger and threat. Her conclusion is likely to affect her relationships with men for the rest of her life. This is so important that lately I`ve come to believe that every father of small children should make a silent pledge to himself: `I will never hit or hurt you. I will strive never, ever to frighten you.` We men should always try to use a softer voice with small girls. Their hearing is more acute than that of boys - so they often think you`re shouting at them when you think you`re just sounding firm. Our physical strength, meanwhile, can be channelled to give delight. A dad who gets down on the floor to play with his small daughter, being a horse for her to ride or a monster that she can defeat, not only reinforces his daughter`s sense of safety but also gives her a higher capacity for excitement. These early games will make her more likely to want to have adventures later on. In addition, researchers have found that little girls who play rough-and-tumble games with their dads are less likely to be affected badly by stress in the future. If you show a toddler that you can be happy, exuberant and even silly at times, then you`ll almost certainly increase her capacity to be happy as she grows up. And if you ask for - and listen to - her viewpoint from an early age, she`ll develop the sense that she`s both intelligent and worthwhile. There`s no escaping the fact, however, that even terrific father/daughter relationships can come under stress when girls reach 13 or 14 and start developing into young women. As a girl becomes more sexually attractive in her puberty, many fathers can neglect their daughters at the very time they need a strong male role model Over-reacting to the fears about sexual abuse, it is tempting for fathers to withdraw from their daughters leaving them feeling like they have done something wrong These days, fathers are far more aware than they used to be of the dangers of sexual abuse. This has led to a new problem that probably affects most dads: they start backing off from their teenage daughter and neglect to give her hugs. Some fathers will even stop spending as much time with their daughter, or become irrationally angry with her - for the simple reason that she`s starting to look sexually attractive. This sends out a confusing, hurtful signal: `He doesn`t like me any more; he`s weird and uptight around me.` Some girls react by thinking they`re at fault themselves; others try to turn themselves back into little girls again by acting cute and helpless rather than increasingly adult and confident. Even if a father copes well with his daughter`s changing appearance, he can find that without meaning to, he`s frequently pressing all the wrong buttons and making her fly off the handle. That`s because, somewhere around the age of 13, a girl seems to become mentally unstuck. We shouldn`t really blame her. At this age and stage of development, her body is trying rapidly to rewire her pre-frontal cortex - the most complex part of the brain, which controls both her ability to calm herself down and to pay attention. Meanwhile, the part of her brain called the amygdala - the centre of impulsive and emotional reactions - can take over in a flash if she`s feeling pressured, distracted or stressed. One minute, she can be kind and caring; the next, she can be thoughtless and self-obsessed. She may make promises but forget to keep them. She can lose all perspective, become wildly over-emotional and cave in to undesirable peer pressure. This is normal - but most fathers find this stage very trying. My advice to them is first to remember that your daughter loves you and would miss you for ever if you died. Second: bear in mind that she can often find you very irritating. That`s because you tend to criticise and find fault with her, and you do it at the worst times. How do I know this? Because in hundreds of family therapy sessions, convened to find out why a teenage girl is causing trouble, there`s been one common factor: a father who criticises his daughter, starts fights with her and can`t accept that she has different points of view. Barack Obama has mentioned his two daughters Sasha,11, (left) and Malia,14, (right) in his speeches, displaying an intimacy with the girls that is rare among modern fathers The truth is that she`s searching for her own identity, and acutely sensitive at this time to any of your attempts to control her. So when you lose it, she double-loses it, and everything goes haywire. Daughters have to be treated gently. Accept that sometimes she`s unhappy with you. Ask her what you`ve done wrong but don`t try to defend yourself when she tells you - that`s a male reflex, and it doesn`t work with girls. Instead, see if you can work out what emotion lies behind what she`s saying. Is she sad (i.e. because you`re going away again), angry (you didn`t keep your word) or afraid (you drive too fast)? Then, even if you`ve been a faultless father thus far, try doing something radical: admit that you could actually change a little to accommodate her. Trust me - this works. If you can make changes to your behaviour, or do something that she`s asked you to do, it will make her feel less powerless and help her to realise that her feelings count. It`s a wine mentioned in Dickens and Jane Austen — but when it appeared in the Fifty Shades Of Grey trilogy, sales really took off. The South African dessert wine Vin de Constance is listed on the menu at a masked ball that lovers Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele attend. Fifty Shades fans are now flocking to the Klein Constantia wine estate, ten miles from Cape Town. Managing director Hans Astrom says: ‘We’re asked every day by people coming into our tasting rooms about the wine appearing in the book. `It’s always been a favourite of kings. The biggest mistake we men tend to make when we`re fighting with our teenage daughters is to use what I call `you` accusations. `You don`t help around the house.` `You`re lazy.` `You`re not going out in that dress!` `I` messages work far better because they take heat out of a situation by exposing our vulnerability. For example: `I was worried when you didn`t get home at the time you agreed. I need to know I can trust you.` This is not an attack, because it starts with `I` and not `you`. It invites a teenager to be caring, rather than to defend herself. Even: `I`m angry because the kitchen was a mess, and I had just tidied it up` is better than: `You messed up the kitchen!` Note that I`m not suggesting for a moment that you let your daughter get away with slovenly, dangerous or disrespectful behaviour. Sometimes, for instance, children learn from TV and the way people talk at school that it`s somehow cute or normal to be rude. If so, you`ll need to teach your daughter that rudeness always wounds - and that if it takes hold, people will be bleeding all the time. Talk the subject over with the whole family present, and get everyone to agree that no one talks disrespectfully to anyone else - parent to child, child to parent, child to child. In the face of teenage angst and turmoil, one temptation for many dads is to treat their daughter like a princess. Fathers who are cash-rich but time-poor often buy expensive gifts and hand out wads of money; they may also arrange for others to do all the household chores. The end result is a grown-up girl with an emotional age of two who thinks nothing of having tantrums if they help her get what she wants. TSO, or terminal self-obsession, is a dreadful fate for any girl because one day she`ll eventually collide painfully with reality. The best cure is to begin imposing boundaries - softly but firmly - and to demand that she starts pulling her weight. Finally, the father of a teenage girl must bear in mind that he`s a male role model - at least to her. That means dressing well, smelling good and refraining from telling rude jokes in front of her. Adolescent girls have acute sensibilities: even if they swear and tell gritty jokes themselves, they don`t like to see their fathers behaving in a similar way. They`re also hyper-alert to the way you behave with other females. So treat all women with courtesy and kindness, and you`ll help her set the bar high for the boys and men in her own life. Modern womanhood is tough: all too soon, your daughter will need to become self-reliant, clear-thinking, emotionally strong, good with people and responsible for her own life. A good dad gives her a head-start that lasts for ever. Adapted from: Raising Girls, by Steve Biddulph, published by HarperCollins at £12.99. © 2013 Steve Biddulph. To order a copy for £10 (p&p free), call 0844 472 4157. I am a teenager now. It’s very hard. My emotions feel like the English weather. Life’s stressful, what with school and boys and not liking how I look and the mess the world is in and hating my hair. I need to chill out quite a lot — to watch some TV when I get home from school, and to be vague and dreamy and waltz about the house. If you criticise me, it’s just kind of the last straw. So I will yell back at you or storm off to my room. But it’s honestly not my fault. My pre-frontal cortex [the part of the brain responsible for regulating behaviour] has melted down for a rebuild and won’t be right again until I’m about 22. Meanwhile, my amygdala [the brain centre for emotional reactions] has taken over — and all it knows is fight or flight! You think because I can out-argue you that I must be smart. But I’ve lost the most important faculty a person can have: I can’t see anyone else’s point of view. Or at least not easily. It’s enough to keep track of my own point of view. In fact, I’ll try on lots of different points of view to find out if one fits. Today, I am an emo-punk-Goth-angel and plan to get piercings in my cheeks. Tomorrow, I may want to volunteer as a nurse in Angola. You worry about boyfriends. You worry about me navigating sex. So do I! We’re not on different sides. You worry that I won’t do my schoolwork. Well, how would you feel if you were told your whole life depends on a couple of days of exams — that it could all be over at 17 if I have a bad day or forget my pen? Honestly, it’s enough to paralyse you with fear. Please — don’t criticise me. I am already criticising myself so much it just might tip me over the edge. And I’d be so upset if I killed you. Talk gently. Ask about my life. Watch the timing, I’ll sometimes want to talk and sometimes not. When I do, you’d better have a couple of hours! Be gentle. Be funny. Be patient. One day I’ll be over this, and we can be the best of friends.
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Courting rituals between lovestruck youngsters differ greatly from country to country. In some places around the world, sex before marriage is considered a great taboo and the prospect of a teenage girl spending the night with her boyfriend remains highly unlikely. But in one village in Cambodia, fathers go out of their way to encourage their daughters to have sex: by building them love huts. Members of the Kreung tribe in the northeast of the country believe that women can be empowered through spending the night with different members of the other sex. And when a girl reaches her early teenage years, or possibly even before, the love hut becomes the place for her to meet and get to know boys before deciding on her one true love. The tribe believes the ancient practice is the best way for girls to find their future husbands. The Kreung people have, however, moved on from their previous tradition of using a cocktail of alcohol and a centipede as a contraceptive, and now use condoms. When a girl reaches her early teenage years, or possibly even before, the love hut becomes the place for her to meet and get to know boys before deciding on her one true love But in a country where HIV and AIDS remains prevalent, and where concerns are often raised about the exploitation of youngsters in sex trafficking cases, the idea of encouraging youngsters to have sex so openly remains surprising. Nang Chan, a 17-year-old girl who now lives full time in the love hut in the back garden of her parent`s house, believes they offer her, and other girls like her, a sense of empowerment, though. `The huts provide us independence and are the best way through which we can explore our true lover,` she told Techpuffs.com. `If I find some special boyfriend and we both love each other, then I`ll get intimate with him and have sex in my hut. `But if I stop loving him and find another boy that I see more attractive, then I`ll stop having sex with my previous boyfriend.` Dr Sudeepta Varma, speaking to National Geographic said that from a western perspective, love huts might be regarded as taboo as parents are usually looked upon as `protectors` of a woman`s virginity, and not promoters of it. According to villagers, divorce and sexual violence in the community remains non-existent, and young women only engage in relationships with those they feel comfortable with. Despite the liberal attitudes towards sex between unmarried youngsters, however, couples must save the privilege of being seen in the day together until they are happily engaged to be married.
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