How do you have sex daddy mom and daughter
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(Credit: dakuk via iStock )Dad to daughter: Have awesome sex!A father goes viral with a blog post wishing his daughter a satisfying sex life. Is it enlightened or creepy?Tracy ClarkFlory 20130814T20:41:00Z20130814T20:41:00ZWell, heres one way to go viral: write a blog post titled, Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Some Fucking Awesome Sex. Thats what blogger Ferrett Steinmetz did, and his post has been republished by the Huffington Post and the Good Men Project, where it garnered 202,751 Facebook likes. Its also inspired a thriving MetaFilter thread , where reactions range from This man is an awesome father to I cringed a little inside.Steinmetzs post is a response to another article he noticed making the rounds: 10 Rules for Dating My Daughter. This piece included such gems as, Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilising some kind of barrier method can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. This clich expression of fatherly possessiveness rubbed Steinmetz, who is the stepdad of 21yearold and 27yearold daughters, the wrong way. So he took to his blog: Look, I love sex. Its fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more, he writes. I dont want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I dont want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.Steinmetzs bottom line is: Im not the guard who locks you in the tower. He explains, Youre not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. Its part of growing up, and women have to do it as much as men. Some have cheered this as an example of enlightened, sexpositive, feminist fatherhood, while others have shuddered with disgust. As one Internet commenter put it , IDK, the article seemed kinda creepy, to me ... why the fathers strange fixation on his daughters intimate life?You know what strikes me as creepy? Fathers acting like they own their daughters bodies. Dads having inappropriate investments in their daughters sexuality. Im thinking of fatherdaughter purity balls as well as, um, Courtney Stoddens pop. Now, whether Steinmetzs letter falls under that category is a matter of opinion: As MetaFilter commenter PhoBWanKenobi, writes, Giving permission to have good sex (darling, go out and play) implies that its his to give even if, on the surface, hes saying that its not his to give. Its patriarchal ... even if its not immediately apparent that it is.Setting aside that legitimate criticism, and the nuances of Steinmetzs post, which is undoubtedly imperfect, there is an important underlying message here that deserves a signal boost: Fathers should talk to their daughters about sex. They should not be afraid of, or condemn, their daughters sexuality they shouldnt treat their daughters dates and partners as enemies and certainly not as rivals, which is too often the case. This doesnt mean sexualizing their daughters (think: treating them like daddys pretty, pretty princess whose value lies in her beauty) or desexualizing them (daughters pledging their virginity to their fathers, dads threatening dates with a shotgun). They should respect their daughters as autonomous human beings rather than as a possession, a piece of fine china to either be protected behind glass or sold to the highest bidder.My dad never told me to go out and have awesome sex but he clearly communicated that sex could be awesome. In his geeky vernacular, this meant saying things along the lines of, Good sex is like two star systems colliding in outer space. We didnt have just one sex talk over time, he painted a picture of what sex meant to him and to my mom. Because of his openness, I never worried that my sex life could in any way cause my dad to lose respect for me and, consequently, I rarely worried that my sexual behavior would cause any man who was worth my time to lose respect for me. The gift my dad helped give me was a lack of shame and sense of entitlement to sex good sex and, sure, fucking awesome sex and thats something every daughter deserves. The challenge is in the delivery and I must say Im glad I didnt receive it via a linkbaity blog post.
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Dad, Do You and Mom Have Sex?Dad, Do You and Mom Have Sex?Share This entry is from Omnipotent Poobah, and part of the Scarleteen BlogathonAt the risk of dating myself at least not in the eHarmony sense I am from the sex education dark ages.In my day, Just Say No was Just Dont Say Anything . Moms and Dads, more often than not, didnt have the talk because of their own shocking lack of knowledge or because they were too embarrassed. Teen pregnancy and sexual diseases were relatively rare. And gay kids? Well, they simply didnt exist.Sex ed was limited to the 6th or 7th grade when all the girls were herded out of gym class to see a film about that time of the month while the boys played baseballin the winter. Many of the girls emerged from the film visibly shaken and, so far as I know, none ever revealed the true nature of the film to the boys.Of course, that left teens to their own sexual education. And teens, as they frequently do, thought they knew more about things than any adult could possibly know. In those days, they unfortunately may have been right.In an era before the Internet and personal computers for that matter there were few ways for kids to learn about sex or become more comfortable with their own sexuality except by repeating the same misinformation amongst themselves. As a result, many a young girl disappeared with an advanced case of mono before coming back noticeably thinner and much less funloving than before and sometimes boys dropped out of school because the family needed the money.Because my wife and I came from that era, we pledged wed treat our own daughter differently, even at a young age.At four, she already had a concept appropriate for a fouryear old of how pregnancy worked. The were no cabbage leaves or storks, only a frank discussion when she asked questions. That policy sometimes created some odd conversations with our first grader.Daughter: Dad, do you and Mom have sex?Dad: You know how sex works, right?Daughter: Yes.Dad: And you know you are our child, right?Daughter: Yes.Dad: Then what does that tell you?Daughter: I guess you guys have sex.When she became a teen and asked more adult questions, we continued our policy. We encouraged her to use sites like Scarleteen to learn more. We explained the pleasures and pitfalls of her nascent sexuality and told her it was okay to go to Planned Parenthood for birth and sexual disease control and wed not question her about it. And, she did.Today shes equipped to venture into a sexual world with the knowledge she needs and Mom and I are both pleased and relieved.From the mouths of Scarleteen and children comes modern wisdom.I urge you to speak out about your own sexual education, see what others are saying, and support Scarleteens important work .
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I just wrote an article on how to talk to kids about sex .The article includes how we, as adults and parents, deal with our own erotic energy and sexual histories. How do wefeel about sex? How was our introduction to sex? What did we learn about it from our culture and our family?We are passing on our own lived experience as much or more so as the ideas that we talk about. Our kids can feel our comfort or discomfort. They know just when the conversation turns to sex and we whisper, or shade our mouth with a back turned hand.The article got more page views than anything I have ever written, so she heard me talking about the article all day. Its title: Have Sex for Our Children. As much as I try to have a degree of privacy, its one of my bigger challenges as a single mom to be alone and have a conversation. Not that I was trying to hide the subject, but I dont feel like she needed to be bombarded either.This girl is laser sharp.I work with women, birth and sexuality, so my daughter is used to the subject. When she was four, she came home from preschool and cried that someone had kicked her in the pubic bone. She knows the difference between a doula and a midwife. She knows which hospitals allow doulas. She can give a pretty decent explanation of why women menstruate and how it works. Most of this she has picked up from overhearing conversations, not from overt educational efforts on my part.We never know what information is infiltrating and how it is arranging itself inside of our children.I had no idea what information she was picking up about the article that I wrote. She managed to take my breath away.Mom, have you ever been sexually abused?Internal recoil and disbelief. A split second was all my mind needed to sift through all possible responses. I dont want to lie. I also dont want her to feel she lives in a dangerous world. I dont want her to relate to me as a victim. Will she feel safe knowing that I was vulnerable? How can I help her feel safe and secure in herself, while at the same time knowing that her mother, at one time, was not?Its as if she was born to challenge the depth of my integrity.Am I going to look her in the face and lie? The question and her energy is too pointed and too direct to get around. This is the level of attunement I am dealing with. There is no way out, but through.She is asking me who she is and who I am at the same time. I dont feel at all ready for this. She is seven. I didnt think this conversation would come so soon. But I am definitely on the hook. Now the woman who wrote the article has to show up and be what she wrote.Yes, I have.Oooooh mom, what happened?Well, Cece, its kinda hard for me to talk about.Then she asked the questions that so many have asked before. Did I know him? Why did I go out with him when my instincts told me otherwise? Was I drinking a lot? She was brave enough to ask me exactlywhat happened. Then I reached my limit. My heart started to race, and I felt a pull downward that I didnt want to yield to. So I told her, You know, I just cant talk about this any more, and I dont think it is important for you to know more.Silence.Mom, did my dad sexually abuse you?No, Cece.Did you like having sex with my dad?Yes, Cece. I loved it.Did you like having sex with Tiago (a boyfriend I had)?Yes, Cece. I loved it.Satiated, she rolled over and moments later, fell asleep.I, however, did not.I lay mesmerized about the way that life works. Just the night before, I wrote about ways to heal our sexual selves. So much of what I wrote is confronting and challenging for people. I have just been processing, talking about and working with the subject matter for a while, so I am more accustomed to it and it has become a little less confronting.But I am not different from my readers, I still lower my voice sometimes when I say the word with an X, as my daughter deemed sex. I still have uninhibited talks with friends, and when I get to parts of the story, turn my back and mouth words.I dont have all the answers. I navigate these deep waters, along with all parents. How much is enough? How much is too much?My daughter asked me about one of the most difficult, painful and defining experiences of my life. If I hadnt spent so much of my life dedicated to reestablishing my boundaries and healing that wound, committed to having a healthy expansive and loving sexual life, I dont know how I would have responded. But it may have been in a way that caused my daughter to contract and be afraid, instead of lead her to the answer she really wantedthat her mom had joyful, passionate sex with her dad and her boyfriend.I know she could feel that.